Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
