I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
