I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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