Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
