whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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