I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Every concussion has its silver lining
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
