You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
