i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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