maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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