my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
