I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
