he was CRYING into my vagina
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
