So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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