I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
