What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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