Having a random hookup so left but love u
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
