I accidentally had phone sex last night
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
