Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
