I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
