I wish my penis had an off switch
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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