I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
