I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I could make wine with my vomit
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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