i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize