the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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