Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
