he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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