I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
