I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
