Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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