the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
