he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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