Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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