I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize