I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
