Pants 0. Shit 1.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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