Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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