so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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