I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
