the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
