I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
