I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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