I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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