I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
