I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
