Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Alive.
So much puke
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
