No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
3 2 1 whiskey
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
