there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
