We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
