Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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