I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
