I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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