I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
