OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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