ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i love accidental penises.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
