this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize