dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
