i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
