Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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