garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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